If it Kills Me
by oh-i-wish-i-were
Summary: It is always so hard to let go once you've experienced the greatest love you've ever known. He moved on and let me suffer.


**So let's get some things straight: I don't own the song or the Twilight characters, But enjoy!!**

**Also, I am aware that I skipped a whole chunk of the song, for creative purposes. Oh, By the way...The song is performed by Melanie Fiona. the title is "If It Kills Me"**

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**Oh yaahh I've got trouble with my friends,  
Trouble in my life  
Problems when you don't come home at night  
But when you do you always start a fight**

**But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home  
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down**

A loud crash interrupted my uneasy sleep. I opened my eyes with alertness. The comforter was thrown off of the bed and I quietly made my way down the hallway to the stairs. As I peered over the railing, I noticed your figure. You were slumped over and off- balance. If this had've happened a year ago, I would've been by your side in an instant, holding you in my arms and trying to help you into bed. Your eyes were glossy and the smell of liquor and another smell, that I've come quite acquainted with to be known as Classique, hangs heavy in the air surrounding us.

"Come here, baby." You say, trying your hardest to sound 'sexy', but failing miserably.

"I think you should just take a shower, then get some sleep."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"It's 11:00pm. So what?" You drunkenly try to approach me. I stand my ground.

"No, Jacob! It's 4:30am. You've been out all night with that dirty bitch!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" You advance towards me, like a lion stalking it's prey.

"You know good and well, what I'm talking about." As you step closer to me, I really, just want to give in, but I can't. You've hurt me for long enough. _I'm stong, I can do this. _I keep telling myself.

"Lookey here, you ungrateful little, shit! I love you, okay! I took you in! I never question you! What's with you!" You yelled and began shaking my shoulders, vigorously throughout your speech. I held back the tears. I wasn't crying for the fact that you were physically hurting me, but because you really don't love me, but I love you so much and I can't let you go, even though I really need to.

I remember when you were so different. You used to be so loving, expressive, and so fully devoted to me. My friends were all worried because we are so different in ages. You're 5 years older than me. I told them that you'd never hurt me and that you were in love with as much as I was in love with you. They warned me not to give all of myself to you so quickly, but I ignored them and I chose you over my friends. Foolishly, when you said you were moving out of Washington, I went with you. I left my family, my friends, everybody I ever cared about for you! Why did I do that. I moved 630 miles away from everything I knew, just so you could abuse me and cheat on me every chance you get.

Even now, when you stare at me, I can't leave you. I can't. I've invested so much into us, and I know I can fix this, if you'd just give me a chance. I know, the real you is still there somewhere! When I stare into your eyes, I can see a spark of the old you, the one I fell in love with at 15 years old.

"Are you just going to stand there? I'm tryna' get up the stairs." I step aside and allow you to pass. I continue down the stairs to the kitchen, to get you a glass of water and a couple of aspirin. I hear the shower running and walk back up the stairs. I set the items on our dresser and sit on the bed. As you emerge from the bathroom and I look at you, you instantly get a smirk on your face.

"Like what you see, Baby?" I sigh heavily. Why are you so oblivious? I was so not thinking about that!

"It's nice."

"Nice?! Just nice?! I think I need to remind you of how 'nice' it is!" You walk towards me and drop your towel in front of my face, yourmember inches from my face. I stare back at it for several moments, then make the decision to pleasure you. I let you thrust down my throat and listen to your grunts and moans. I can tell you're close. You throw your head back and pant out ,"She doesn't suck me off, mmmhhhmm...Ahh....Se---ttth---hh she says she's too good for that! oooh-- ahhh!! I love you!" My heart breaks at your admission. You just admitted that you were cheating on me. I know it was the alcohol talking, because you've denied cheating since I first suspected it. My heart hurts. Your **mistress **won't suck your dick because she feels dirty doing it! What does that make me?! Something worse than a whore!?

As you finish coming down from your climax, you go to kiss me and I let you. You pull back the comforter and slide in. I slide in next to you, but turn away from you. You roll over to spoon me from behind. Just as I'm about to drift off to sleep, I hear you whisper in my ear.

"Try not to wake me when you get ready for work in a couple of hours. Sleep tight, Seth." I want to cry, but I won't. I want to leave, but I can't even though I know I should. I never thought that all of your love would vanish and that you'd leave me all alone.

**Ohh yah yahh cuz I don't wanna be alone  
I dont need to be on my own  
But I love this man  
But some things I cant stand ohhhh**

**Ive gotta be out my mind  
To think its gonna work this time  
A part of me wants to leave but the other half still believes  
and it kills me to know how much I really love you  
So much I wanna oohh hoo ohhh, to you hoo hooo**

About a month later, I was sitting in the garage, waiting for you to pull up. The time on my cell phone, read 6:20am. You're most likely avoiding me. You're trying to wait until I leave for work to sneak that slut into my room. I'm not going to let that happen. I already called in for work and told them I would not be in. I sat another forty minutes and exactly at 7:00am, you pull up and when you see my face, you look beyond angry. Then I look in your passenger seat and see the bitch. Damn, you're so predictable, Jake!

You step out of the car and storm over to me.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?"

"I was sick last night, and I called into work to tell them I wasn't coming in and I needed the car to go buy some medicine."

"Where's your car?"

"The shop.... who's she?" I asked calmly, waiting for you to respond. You motioned for her to come forward. She got out of the car. Boy, you really know how to choose em'! She was petite, around 5'1. She was no larger than a size 4. She had awful, bleach- blond hair with horrendous auburn highlights. I have to admit her D cup implants did wonders to distract people from her horrific face. I swear her teeth resembled claws of a panther. She was wearing a low cut, bright, red dress, that reached 8 inches above her knee. I'd be surprised if she wasn't a porn star, stripper, or prostitute.

"Seth, this is Liza." she briefly made eye contact and proceeded to light a cigarette.

"Can you please put that out? I have asthma." She scoffed and walked out of the garage and walked to the end of the driveway and glared at me.

"Why do you have to be so rude?" You asked and I lost it! I drug you into the house and slammed and locked the door. You tried to get back out to go back to that skank!"

"I'M RUDE! I'm The Rude one!?! I can't believe you just said that!!" I screamed. You visibly flinched.

"Jacob! You just brought another person into our home, our **_bed_** to have sex with her and I ask her not to smoke in front of me because my lungs will be affected and I'm the rude one!!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but--"

"Save it! You obviously don't love me like I love you! Any other person would throw you out and never look back, but I'm not like that. I don't give up on people! I gave up everything to be with you you! The sad thing is, even now that I've put a face on your infidelity, I can't stop loving you! I've given you 6 years of commitment to you! I've never slept with another person other than you in all of my life! Who knows what you could've gotten from that filthy slut and given to me!? I still see your face and I think about all of the times when I would sneak out at night to see you when you visited from college and you would take me somewhere nice and shower me with your love. I think about how we would cry together during your last day of summer break, because it meant that we couldn't see each other for 3 months. Yo used to love me so much! Let me love you again!" I rubbed up against you to try to get you to send that slut home and make love to me like you used to.

Your eyes are almost watering at the memories. Deep down I knew that you still cared. I was going to give you one more chance. I pulled you into my arms, you allowed me to hug you, then you pulled away.

"I hope you feel better." You said, then grabbed your keys and I watched as you pulled out of the garage with Liza.

I waited for hours for for you to return, but you never came back that night. I went into the basement to the bar and downed a whole bottle of Scotch. My throat burned and I cried. My body felt heavy as I tried to walk to the bathroom. My heart was heavy. I needed you, I gave so much to you, and I never asked for anything, except for your love! I warmed the water and sat against the edge and continued on the second bottle of scotch. My vision blurred.

I completely filled the tub and took off all of my clothes. I began to sob brokenly as I slid into the water. I let the music from the radio pull me in. I slowly washed my hair, then my body. I sat in the tub for longer than I could remember. Your voice filled my head. I didn't want to part with you, Jacob. I would always follow you. I needed to let you go, if I was ever going to be happy. I took deep, breaths, before I used my foot to knock the radio into my bath water. The result was almost instant. The pain faded as my life flashed before my eyes and I died. My dying wish was that you'd find me and see what drove me to this, and that maybe you'd learn your lesson. My love for you, Jacob will forever more be eternal.

**The End!**

**Thanks for reading! Tell me if you liked it!!**


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